Day 250: Yearn for it

I'm embarrassed to say this is actually a fake rock on sale at the local drug store."Yearn for the back wall with your extended arm..."

"Yearn for the floor with a flat back..."

So said the instructor in Hatha class today, and the word "yearn" stuck with me.  It's so great--passion mixed with a little melancholy. Desire blended with uncertainty.  Will and the uncontrollable obstacles that always get in the way.  The fear of wanting something that might never happen.

So I started yearning.  I tried to want my poses not hard and forcefully, but extra-deeply and authentically. I yearned for a more open side in (my absolute fave) Utthita Parsvakonasana/side angle pose.  And I yearned for control and mindfulness as I slowly lowered myself on shaky arms in Chaturanga.  I attempted to make the most out of my class, and really feel it, which wasn't hard at all since I was finally back in the studio after spending the past three days in the hospital with my younger son (he's doing better now!). And as I yearned, I tried to explore what it is that I really want out of life and how I plan on getting it.

And as it turns out, after 75 minutes of conscious breathing and mediation on the topic,  I yearn for a lot. I yearn to be a better, calmer more centered mother.  I yearn to be more efficient with my time and energy--so that my house is neater (you should see the pile of ironing I've had on my bedside chair for the last month.  It is so unforgivably large and daunting that I just block it out. Every day.  I'm amazing like that) and my work gets done.  I yearn to achieve my professional and personal goals (Write more books! Run a marathon again!).  I yearn to spend time with my husband like we used to (hiking, flying, running, talking, movie going, reading and sleeping [together] sometimes all in the same day). I yearn to be closer to special friends who are far away. I yearn to be in the familiar light and air of the city where I grew up.

But oh, there are hurdles.  Every day I stumble, and the clock runs out of time nightly before I have a chance to achieve even a fraction of what I yearn to do.  That gets me down.  A lot, actually. Like many people, I feel like I spin my wheels and make little progress.   But I'm glad that my instructor today put the notion of yearning into my head so I remember to keep setting my heart and mind on goals for life on and off the mat. Now I just need to slowly, mindfully and unrelentingly carve out ways to achieve them. Even if there is the fear of the failure--and ironing--in my way.