hatha

See Audrey Practice

Last weekend I went on an amazing retreat with Semperviva Yoga

We hiked.

We practiced (Hatha! Kundalini! Yin!).

We ate (the best mango salsa E.V.E.R. courtesy of the chef at Bodega Ridge Resort on Galiano Island.)

We meditated. 

I slept.

I read. (Every Last One by Anna Quindlen.  Heavy. Fantastic!)

I became a yoga geek.

This is my story.....

Day 250: Yearn for it

I'm embarrassed to say this is actually a fake rock on sale at the local drug store."Yearn for the back wall with your extended arm..."

"Yearn for the floor with a flat back..."

So said the instructor in Hatha class today, and the word "yearn" stuck with me.  It's so great--passion mixed with a little melancholy. Desire blended with uncertainty.  Will and the uncontrollable obstacles that always get in the way.

Day 168: "Meditate on Being Good Enough as You Are..."

This serene photo of Alice Lake in British Columbia is supposed to inspire thoughtful reflection. Okay now, go.

That’s what Ally the teacher said today in 7am Hatha class.  And it struck me because I never feel good enough.  Which is weird (and sad) because I am someone who (I think) has high self-esteem and a fair amount of perspective…and yet my body doesn’t feel good enough.  I don’t think I’ll ever adjust to the post-pregnancy changes that carrying to giant 8+lb bebehs wrought on me. And I’m not talking about how my body looks (okay, maybe my stomach, but only a little), but rather how my body functions.  It’s just not the same, and as much as I love my kids, I have trouble “celebrating” the fact that I spend a lot of time and money seeking the help of specialists, or spending my “free” time in the evening doing extra stretches and exercises and internet searches to try to help my situation. 

And while I’m confessing about stuff, my mothering often doesn’t feel good enough either.  Are the kids being exposed to all the things that will make them happy and successful?  Am I a neurotic fool to even worry about that?  Are they eating well enough?  Are they where they should be in their development?  Should I be giving/doing/organizing/creating more

Plus I wonder about being a good enough wife.  Like, am I attentive enough?  Do we have sex enough? Is my house clean enough? And (I can’t believe this thought actually exists in my head, but it does) are my menu options varied enough?  No, really.  I actually worry about that.  I went to school for nearly 20 years (from preschool to grad school), and I like to think about things like semiotics and feminism—and yet I worry almost daily about whether or not we’ve eaten chicken too often lately, and what new fun lunchtime options my toddler will eat without needing ketchup poured on it.

I also wonder about whether I’m being me enough.  About getting enough time to write, think, plan and progress toward my own personal goals.

So when Ally got us out of savasana, back up to easy pose on our foam blocks, and had us think about being good enough as we are, I really tried.  And I chanted along—feeling hokey as hell—saying, “I am.  I am. I am.”


And for the rest of the day, I’m going to try to remember that I am. 

Namaste, people.

Namaste, people.I'm into yoga now.

I used to be into running.  Really into it.  I ran for years on several continents, in many cities, in all kinds of weather, usually early in the morning. My running shoes and I have been everywhere together from Stockholm to Rangoon; from Nantucket to Phuket; from Lake Como to the Napa Valley. 

I wasn't particularly fast (2003 NYC Marathon time: 4h30min) but I was dedicated.  In fact, once I got in the zone I had a hard time stopping.  When I used to live in Venice, California, I'd go out for a run along the beach and if things went well, I'd end up calling my husband collect from a sandy pay phone and asking him to grab me some dry clothes before heading down to Manhattan or Redondo Beach--a cool 10+ miles around the Marina and down the bike path from our house--to meet me an hour later